What is Great Sex?
Most everyone wants great sex. But what is it? Spoiler alert: You can ignore most of what you’ve heard. There is a lot of advice out there, and some good books about how to have better sex. But the truth is that most of the sex in movies, porn and in magazines articles is not actually great sex. I am willing to bet you can close your eyes and conjure up a description of amazing, mind-blowing, tell-your-friends-about sex. But chances are it wouldn’t be the same as someone else’s description. Truth is, great sex is in the eyes of the beholder.
Here are five keys to great sex, and these apply to straight couples, gay couples, young, old, married or living together.
Great sex is planned. Sometimes couples think that only spontaneous sex is great sex. Not true. When dating, if you went out on a Saturday night and you thought there was the chance that you were going to have sex, you shaved your legs (or face), you wore sexy underwear, you prepared. It was planned. In fact, making a date for sex can create what I call “sexual anticipation,” which, for women, creates more desire for sex. Women need arousal before they feel desire. Sexual anticipation is a good way to create that arousal, because it cooks up all kinds of fantasies in their minds about what could happen on the sex date.
Great sex is frequent. Sometimes people tell you it doesn’t matter how often you make love, but it does, especially for men. For women, if they aren’t in the “mood,” it often means that they are either not aroused, or they are frustrated with you. Arousal has to start before the desire. And feeling desire for your partner makes them feel wanted, so the more often the better.
Do you shut down and turn off your desire by rolling over and telling yourself you will do it when you are “less tired,” or “less angry” or “when the dishes are done”? Pushing yourself to have sex when you don’t really feel like it doesn’t have to lead to resentment, it can actually lead to a feeling of connection. It doesn’t have to be marathon, swinging from the ceiling sex. I call it, “maintenance sex.” Sometimes, maintenance sex turns into great sex. And sometimes, even “roll over” sex on a Tuesday night can make the frustrations of Wednesday a lot easier to deal with. You might find that you snap at each other less, you are more affectionate and you want sex more often as a result.
Great sex is about action. Sex does improve dramatically when you can tell your partner what you desire in bed. Don’t expect them to read your mind, they can’t. Most of us think, if you really loved me, you would just know what I like. Not true. If you really loved them, you would tell them what you need. But there are other ways to show your partner what turns you on. No sound can tell you more than you ever knew about what turns your partner on. And for some people, talking during sex can even be a distraction. They want to go within and feel the intensity and the sensation.
Great sex is relaxed. Some people think great sex means they have to throw their partner all over the bed, tossing them into 16 different positions, or else they wont be satisfied. Please, put me down. You don’t have to sling your partner around the bed or jump around like maniacs to have great sex. In fact, sometimes it’s even sexier to force yourselves to relax and enjoy one position, to hold it longer than you would normally enjoy. Surprisingly, it can be difficult during sex to tolerate joy. Joy, ecstasy, happiness, they are all difficult feelings to get used to. And they can actually feel uncomfortable. But before you move or change positions, either during sex or right after, see if you can take the challenge to drag out the ecstasy as long as you can.
5. Great sex is private. It is important to experience sex as it relates to you. Be selfish with your feelings, and take inventory of your reactions. This will allow you to go with the intensity and get lost in the experience. There is nothing sexier than a partner who is totally captured by you in bed. Being ravished is wonderful, and being the one who ravishes is even better. But great sex happens in your own mind and in your own body.
As time goes on and comfort levels increase between partners, it’s not really practical to assume that we will have the same mad passion we had for our mates when the relationship was in its beginning stages. However, it’s not impossible if we adjust our definition of passion. Remember that person you fell in love with (or at least lusted after) when you first met? Guess what? Chances are they’re not the same person. As humans, we are affected by the world around us. We learn from it and grow. This is a good thing! Try to see the person your partner has become – and will continue to become – as the years go on. You are not responsible for him or her, but rather as a partner you are something like a cheerleader, therapist, and best friend rolled into one. By giving each other the space to live and grow on your journeys as individuals, and by sharing your experiences with each other, your life together will remain fresh and new.
You deserve to have great sex and you deserve great advice.
Don’t settle. Great sex leads to a great relationship and a happy life.