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What is Great Sex?

Most everyone wants great sex. But what is it? Spoiler alert: You can ignore most of what you’ve heard. There is a lot of advice out there, and some good books about how to have better sex. But the truth is that most of the sex in movies, porn and in magazines articles is not actually great sex. I am willing to bet you can close your eyes and conjure up a description of amazing, mind-blowing, tell-your-friends-about sex. But chances are it wouldn’t be the same as someone else’s description. Truth is, great sex is in the eyes of the beholder.

 

Here are five keys to great sex, and these apply to straight couples, gay couples, young, old, married or living together.

 

Great sex is planned. Sometimes couples think that only spontaneous sex is great sex. Not true. When dating, if you went out on a Saturday night and you thought there was the chance that you were going to have sex, you shaved your legs (or face), you wore sexy underwear, you prepared. It was planned. In fact, making a date for sex can create what I call “sexual anticipation,” which, for women, creates more desire for sex. Women need arousal before they feel desire. Sexual anticipation is a good way to create that arousal, because it cooks up all kinds of fantasies in their minds about what could happen on the sex date.

 
Great sex is frequent. Sometimes people tell you it doesn’t matter how often you make love, but it does, especially for men. For women, if they aren’t in the “mood,” it often means that they are either not aroused, or they are frustrated with you. Arousal has to start before the desire. And feeling desire for your partner makes them feel wanted, so the more often the better.
Do you shut down and turn off your desire by rolling over and telling yourself you will do it when you are “less tired,” or “less angry” or “when the dishes are done”? Pushing yourself to have sex when you don’t really feel like it doesn’t have to lead to resentment, it can actually lead to a feeling of connection. It doesn’t have to be marathon, swinging from the ceiling sex. I call it, “maintenance sex.” Sometimes, maintenance sex turns into great sex. And sometimes, even “roll over” sex on a Tuesday night can make the frustrations of Wednesday a lot easier to deal with. You might find that you snap at each other less, you are more affectionate and you want sex more often as a result.

 

Great sex is about action. Sex does improve dramatically when you can tell your partner what you desire in bed. Don’t expect them to read your mind, they can’t. Most of us think, if you really loved me, you would just know what I like. Not true. If you really loved them, you would tell them what you need. But there are other ways to show your partner what turns you on. No sound can tell you more than you ever knew about what turns your partner on. And for some people, talking during sex can even be a distraction. They want to go within and feel the intensity and the sensation.

 
Great sex is relaxed. Some people think great sex means they have to throw their partner all over the bed, tossing them into 16 different positions, or else they wont be satisfied. Please, put me down. You don’t have to sling your partner around the bed or jump around like maniacs to have great sex. In fact, sometimes it’s even sexier to force yourselves to relax and enjoy one position, to hold it longer than you would normally enjoy. Surprisingly, it can be difficult during sex to tolerate joy. Joy, ecstasy, happiness, they are all difficult feelings to get used to. And they can actually feel uncomfortable. But before you move or change positions, either during sex or right after, see if you can take the challenge to drag out the ecstasy as long as you can.
5. Great sex is private. It is important to experience sex as it relates to you. Be selfish with your feelings, and take inventory of your reactions. This will allow you to go with the intensity and get lost in the experience. There is nothing sexier than a partner who is totally captured by you in bed. Being ravished is wonderful, and being the one who ravishes is even better. But great sex happens in your own mind and in your own body.

 
As time goes on and comfort levels increase between partners, it’s not really practical to assume that we will have the same mad passion we had for our mates when the relationship was in its beginning stages. However, it’s not impossible if we adjust our definition of passion. Remember that person you fell in love with (or at least lusted after) when you first met? Guess what? Chances are they’re not the same person. As humans, we are affected by the world around us. We learn from it and grow. This is a good thing! Try to see the person your partner has become – and will continue to become – as the years go on. You are not responsible for him or her, but rather as a partner you are something like a cheerleader, therapist, and best friend rolled into one. By giving each other the space to live and grow on your journeys as individuals, and by sharing your experiences with each other, your life together will remain fresh and new.

 

You deserve to have great sex and you deserve great advice.

Don’t settle. Great sex leads to a great relationship and a happy life.

10 Signs of Genuine Friendship

Aristotle once described a true friend as a “single soul dwelling in two bodies” – but what differentiates a true, lasting friendship from the other, temporary social bonds? There are certain habits that genuine friends possess, which make them more like family. And it’s these characteristics – and sometimes even tough love – that create that indescribable bond.

 

  1. The push us to be more accepting of ourselves. One of our greatest faults can be our negative self-criticism, but friends lift us up when we’re down. Whether it’s feeling inadequate in a job interview or just not liking what’s staring back at us in the mirror, our closest friends are the ones who beg to differ when our self-opinion starts getting low.

 

    2. They call us out when we’re in the wrong. No, not just for argument’s sake, but when we’re actually wrong. We all have flaws. Real friends identify them in a mindful manner not to be spiteful, but for accountability’s sake. This gentle honesty is what really sets genuine friendships apart from the weaker ones.

 

  1. They’re present. The greatest gift any friend could ever give is full attention and awareness – and true friends make their presence a priority. One of the ways good friends live in the now? They stash their phones when they’re with you.

*A 2012 study out of the United Kingdom found that even just the presence of a phone has the ability to take away from personal connections – something your BFF wouldn’t let happen.

 

  1. They really listen. How many times have you tried to have a conversation with someone, only for that person to turn the topic back to him or herself? Somehow the venting moments and the catch-up sessions aren’t quite as fulfilling. Conversations with real friends aren’t one-sided. Being able to have an open, two-way dialogue with someone improves the chances that the relationship is going to be stronger.

 

  1. They support us through adversity. It’s one thing to have friends who provide support during times of success. But genuine friends are there through all of our peaks and valleys – the grief, the joy, the failures and everything in between. To be able to know someone enough and to trust them enough to even allow them to support you through tough times is a sign of real friendships.

 

  1. They keep our stress in check. One of the hallmarks of a long-lasting friendship is knowing what makes the other person tick. Genuine friends can sense duress – and thereby assist in making better decisions. And even when we’re not looking for advice, their presence alone can calm us.

 

  1. They keep us humble. While genuine friends celebrate our every accomplishment, they also remind us of our roots. Good friends will keep you in check to some degree and not let your head get oversized. They knew you before you made it big or achieved any accolades. They know the deep-down, base version of you. So not only will they support you when you succeed, but they remind you of where you came from.

 

  1. They make the friendship a priority. Marriage, work, kids … as time goes on, our days start to become more jam-packed, and by extension, we become more unavailable. But real friends don’t let life interrupt the relationship. Whether it’s carving out some time for a catch-up call or planning a visit, genuine friends make each other a priority.

 

  1. They practice forgiveness. We all make judgment errors from time to time when it comes to our relationships, but genuine friendships know how to weather the storm. When conflicts come up, real friends have the courage to reach out directly rather than gossiping and letting irritations grow. Real friends understand, and because they understand they are capable of forgiving.

 

  1. They make us want to be better people. Real friends not only stick with us as we grow, but they also make us want to be better versions of ourselves. Friends aren’t just confidants, but role models. Through their example, their kindness and other attributes, genuine friends bring out the best in us – which is one of the greatest gifts they could ever give.
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